DANGER ZONE 2

I suspect this may affect my no claims bonus...

The brain is a funny old blob of goo. Despite being little more than a mix of snot, brine and electro-beeps, it’s able to regurgitate for you the entire feeling of being somewhere else from the tiddliest of inputs, like a multisensory version of Google. (Only unlike Google, it doesn’t e.g. sell your email to every sodding carpet shop in a 200-mile radius so they can bombard you with marketing guff just because you once thought about buying a new doormat.)

An example of this kind of thing is that, for me, the whiff of petrol on a warm summer evening triggers memories of a lovely family holiday in Canada.

The son of the friends we were staying with had a cruddy, fuel-leaking trails bike he was forever tinkering with, hence the general pong of ‘gas’ pervading our hols. A lungfull of hydrocarbons now, and I’m transported right back to that place and time – which is why (other than the lure of discarded rustler’s burgers) I’m often found lurking round the back of Esso garages; 4-star-based reminiscence being a hell of a lot cheaper than another transatlantic holiday, after all.

Regardless, I mention these nostalgia chunks because on level 2 of Danger Zone 2 there’s a moment that triggered another such a mem-o-reaction. On the stage in question you hit the boost button and – as well as your car hoofing off forwards at an absurd rate of knots – suddenly the field of view falls back and the horizon telescopes away.

As ever, the battle for parking spaces in the Asda car park was brutal.

It’s a speed effect that took me right back to the Gamecube era, sitting in my manky flat in Oxford with its CRT telly and the damp-covered lounge wall my landlord had ‘fixed’ by painting over it with white emulsion and a horrible framed picture of a dog. (Given the fact the wall was covered in patterned wallpaper, this was as classy as covering a scratch on your car with Tipp-ex.)

At the time I was playing a game that totally blew me away. I’d always loved driving games, but this was the first one that I felt ticked all my personal boxes for the genre. That game, madam? Burnout.

The fact that effect shows up here again is, of course, about as coincidental as finding a set of instructions titled ‘where to send secrets pls’ and a sticker saying ‘Good boy!’ written in Russian in D. Trump’s top pocket. Danger Zone 2is written by Three Fields Entertainment, a group made up of core members of the team responsible for Burnouts 1 thru Paradise, and is a spiritual sequel to Burnout’s crash mode and a very actual sequel to 2017’s nice but a bit limp Danger Zone.

While this could be the M25, you can tell it isn't real because the traffic is actually moving.

The aim of each level is as straightforward as making a milk-flavoured milkshake in a wobbly dairy – reach the ‘danger zone’ without crashing, then on arrival mash your vehicle into everything to cause as much carnage as possible.

The skill is in mastering this; you have subtasks to complete (such as hitting every caravan on the motorway, like a pilled-up Clarkson), score multipliers to snag, and smashbreakers to pick up or earn. The latter being ruddy great explosions you can trigger to propel your wrecked jalopy into yet more traffic for even more points.

The first Danger Zone was fun, but as anaemic as a vegan Dracula – all the zones were indoors in a crash test dummy type area, with short run-ups and not much variety in cars or layout. But while DZ2 might share the same sparse, almost 8-bit look when it comes to menus and the like, the game itself is far more turgid.

Tracks now have substantially long run ups, the locations are outdoors and vary greatly, and there’s a much wider array of cars (and a massive 18-wheeler) to play with. This feels like a proper driving game now, rather than something that to be honest wasn’t really much more than an amusing tech demo.

Yes, you’ll probably get through each level and its secondary objectives easily enough. But getting platinum medals and climbing the leaderboards? That’s the ‘one more go’ itch that will keep you coming back for a scratch. It always feels like you were just a car away from another combo and racking up a huge score.

I can see my house from here! And also, now, my freshly-regurgitated lunch.

Danger Zone 2 is the very definition of cheap, daft, cheerful fun; it’s so simplistic, it’s almost retro-game like in its appeal. It’s screaming fast in places (speed-wise, the F1 car levels are right out of the latter parts of Burnout 3), menus aside it looks lovely, and it can be picked up for a quick blast but also has a ton of replayability if you really want to snag the top spots on the global leaderboards (and on that note, it’d be ideal for porting to the Switch for games on the go).

So, is this review over? Well no, not quite: we need to address the elephant in the room. A big, furious elephant with a massive turbo strapped to it and the legend ‘TAKEDOWN!’ emblazoned along the length of its flailing proboscis. Because DZ2, you see, is not only an elephant but confusingly also a sort of trunk-wielding, tusked-up Trojan horse.

Yes, it’s a fun little game in its own right, but also (for a small developer) a necessary stepping stone in the development process of another game due later this year. We’re told this other game (currently called Dangerous Driving) is a more ambitious, well rounded, single-player track-based racer. One with remarkably familiar-sounding takedowns and boost chains…

And that’s the other reason to mull over picking up DZ2: as a warm-up for what’s just round the corner. It might be called something else now – heck, it could be named Ainsley Harriot’s Late-Night Onion Touching Challenge – but from its DNA and the taster we have here, it’s pretty clear what it really is.

Whisper it, everyone – proper Burnout might finally be coming back. And I can’t chuffing wait.

Score: 10 licence points out of a 12-point automatic disqualification.

The sound of one hand clacking: my time as a (slightly, and temporarily) disabled gamer

Yes, this is my arm. No, I don't have terrifyingly prominent veins - that's pen from where they marked my arm up before my operation!

They say you never miss the water until the well runs dry. Which may be true, but who are ‘they’ and why don’t they just use the tap like any normal person, or if thirsty just buy some Um Bongo? What are they, medieval peasants?

Of course, I’m joking – it’s just a figure of speech like “He who has rubber arms can’t lift a bag of spuds, but he’s a cracking bodypopper!” and “Stop touching that, it’s already bleeding”. In this case, it means people often take things for granted. And oh look, here’s a silly arse who did that coming along now: me.

To cut a long story short (because as you’ll soon realise, typing is literally and figuratively a right pain for me at the moment), a few weeks back I fell awkwardly on to some concrete and well and truly buggered up my right arm – which is my ‘doing’ arm, assuming I want to do whatever it is I’m doing with any level of accuracy and competence. Broken bone sticking out, an operation, pins in my wrist and everything.

This was all very unpleasant of course, but counterintuitively I feel I’ve got off quite lucky aside from the actual fall itself. A bit to the left and I could have hit my head on a wall instead, a nastier break and I could have been looking at having a steel plate in my arm, and without the brilliant swift work of the NHS I could have had a rampaging infection and ended up having to have my arm lopped off – or worse.

I’m merely in minor discomfort and inconvenienced for a bit as opposed to a life-changing (or ending) incident, and I’m grateful for that. But still, what I *do* have for the next fortnight, and have had for the last 3 weeks, is a sodding great cast on my arm and a lot of unexpected free time.

Usually, free time = gaming time. Whee! But then usually, I’m not wearing a concrete glove with nails in my wrist either. Although I can use my fingers, I can’t turn my wrist at all, I can’t raise my thumb up, I have limited strength in all the above because of my busted skelly parts, and I have to have my arm supported or it starts to ache pretty quickly.

Suffice to say, this does not make for the ideal gaming ‘stance’.

However, Love Island is on the telly and they stopped giving me morphine when I left hospital, so as no one should have to sit through that without access to powerful sedatives I obviously had to do something to adjust, and fast. Hence my somewhat eye-opening intro to accessibility in gaming.

We’ve all seen those controls on our console menus, computers and phones, after all – but how do they measure up when you’re relying on them?

My first attempt was just to fiddle with controller layouts via the PS4’s accessibility options that let you swap button placements, so any button can become any other button; the theory being you put the most used buttons near your strongest fingers. This can help, but it’s frustratingly limited – you can’t assign a button to act as a shift key so others can double up, or bind 2 buttons to 1 (this is apparently to avoid people giving themselves a fractional speed advantage by e.g. binding ‘aim’ and ‘shoot’ to the same button).

Whatever the reason, the upshot is you still need to have the same number of digits available to press the same number of things. Only now they’re also in a confusingly different order that doesn’t match on-screen prompts either.

PC-wise, keyboards are much better for shuffling which key does what, but on the flipside mice are far worse. To give you an idea of how this feels, try holding your mouse arm in the position you’d hold a can of drink or a mug. Then, turn it so you could use a mouse but keep your wrist still – i.e. do all the pivoting with your shoulder and elbow through 90 degrees.

Comfy? Unlikely. At best, you’ll look like someone doing half of the worst chicken impression ever. Trackpads are more usable, but fairly lousy for any gaming shenanigans much livelier than point & click adventures.

The mini controller has the added bonus of looking a bit like a robot's face! Should you need to give a robot a face transplant or something.

I did partially solve this by buying an upright mouse: basically, a mouse on its side with the optical bit stuck on what’s now the bottom. It means I can now at least use my computer to do stuff like write this article without entirely relying on my flailing left hand, but fine control with a busted wrist and a drainpipe bolted on to your forearm still isn’t easy.

Eventually, I settled on a combination of a new mini controller for the PS4 intended for the small hands of kids that meant I was stretching a lot less for buttons, and actually changing my play style in some games. Anything where I had to hold down a trigger was off the menu, so auto rifles in shooters were swapped for single shot weapons. As I don’t have pedals, driving games were right out. And vibration? Unless you like real bad cramp on a skeletal scale, I’d turn that off too.

(As an aside, one of the strangest sensations I’ve had was when I tried using an electric toothbrush in my right hand – the vibes went straight through the pins into my bones and made me make an involuntary “Nnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnggg” noise, like I was a massive buzzer.)

The best options though without needing to buy new (and potentially expensive) kit – that I’m hugely appreciative of – were Nintendo and mobile. Mario Kart, for example, has auto drive features intended mainly to help kids get to grips with a game before mastering manual controls. But they’re an absolute boon for the knackered of limb too. Well-implemented motion controls were also winners here – the twitchiness of Doom would be unplayable on a PS4 for me just now, but with the JoyCons on the Switch it was no problem. I even managed OK with Mario Tennis.

...OK, and hands up who's not having fun and is just terrified by modern technology?

I’d always (daftly) assumed it was simplicity and intuitiveness that gave the Wii such cross-generational appeal. But now I appreciate it’s not just that – being able to aim a Wiimote (or now, a JoyCon) using your whole arm is so much easier than a joypad thumbstick if you’ve got limited movement range in your hands.

Single touch or limited swipe games on my phone have also scratched my gaming itch without requiring painful contortions – and they show how mobile has really become a unique platform of its own because of the control options developers have had to adapt to and develop. There are the obvious big hitters like Monument Valley or Alto’s Odyssey, but even fairly sophisticated platformers such as Oddmar can be played one-handed.

The biggest praise must go to Microsoft though, and their new adaptive controller. It’s not cheap, and granted I haven’t used it and given I’ll be cast free in a few weeks I won’t need to. But the fact it even exists is frankly ruddy great – even my brief period of limited limb incarceration has made me realise how lucky most of us are, and appreciative of flexibility in control schemes.

Now THOSE are some buttons.

Because the truth is, my need for accessibility tech is laughably short-lived, and the chances are that’ll be the same for most people reading this if they ever find themselves in a similar situation. For a lot of people though they’ve either always needed more options, or they haven’t got off as lightly as I did and will have to make permanent changes.

Assuming we’re all cool with gaming being as open and inclusive a hobby as possible – and if you’re not, please proceed at your earliest convenience to repeatedly kick yourself up the backside for an indefinite period – then it’s these people we need to listen to.

Accidents and personal situations aside, none of us are getting any younger either: in 10 or 20 years time I can’t see why I would have gone off gaming, but with another decade or two’s wear and tear I might have to take stuff like RSI or carpal tunnel a lot more seriously. Unless you’ve got a magic mouldering portrait in your attic, decrepitidy awaits us all.

So while there’s more to do, it’s great to see companies really starting to think about this and look at different people’s needs to make gaming as inclusive as possible. Only some of us may need a little help – and in some cases only for a bit – but we all benefit from having more people able to enjoy gaming, and it may help all of us enjoy gaming for longer. We might even not only live to see Half-Life 3, but be able to play it!

(While you’re waiting for old age and/or a horrible accident, if you have a few quid to spare why not think about bunging it the way of Special Effect? They’re a fab charity who help people with physical disabilities get into, or back into, gaming. Ta!)

EIGHT MEGA-SKILL THINGS WE CAN EXPECT TO SEE ON THE PS5

This article originally appeared on Digitiser2000.com

Like some sort of technological Dignitas, Sony have announced that the PS4 is officially in the end part of its life cycle. It’s arguable that belching out such a diktat while your competitors respectively have a more powerful console and a more innovative console for sale, and you’ve not even got anything announced yet, is a real stupid move that will give potential customers ‘the wet willies’. But then who are we to argue with the genius creators of the MiniDisc?

However, to get you ‘pumped’ for the newest arrival in the format wars we can bring you these exclusive facts about the all-new PS5 thanks to our special spies embedded at Sony HQ (and by special we mean they only exist in our minds – we don’t even know where Sony HQ is! Probably Uttoxeter?)

Each one is literally more true and fabby than the last, and here they come!

The new PS5 will be shaped like a panjandrum

​Sony are known for their ker-ayzee console designs, like making the PS2 look like a malformed domino and the PS3 like a miniature of your nan’s coffin. But the PS5 will be their maddest yet, as they’re making it in the shape of a dangerously unreliable rocket-powered explosive cart from World War 2! Take that, Microsoft, and your big boring slab of a device. USA! USA! USA!

​The PS5 will keep you ‘in the game’ by force feeding you sugar beets

​That’s right – no more need for expensive energy drinks or breaks for sleep to keep you sharp while gaming. The PS5 will be plumbed into a new nationwide Sony-owned network of pipes delivering sweet, unctuous beet slurry directly into your homes for a reasonable fee, and then straight into your bloodstream via an uncomfortable cannula. Where will the cannula be placed? On your frenulum!

​The PS5 will come with its own charlatan

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Do you think VR is the most immersion you can get? Or the Nintendo Labo? Well wait to be blown away by the PS5, as it’s coming with a real-life confidence trickster who will squat lewdly in the corner of your lounge, and then during games where you have to deal with shady types he’ll unfurl and attempt to embezzle your pension while you play. For real!

​The PS5 will pay for itself by ‘mining’ bitcoins

​Bitcoin, the cryptocurrency no one understands that’s probably worthless or a total scam, is really trendy right now. So of course, the company that bought you the sexy, sexy Sport Walkman (the same, but yellow!) is all over this hottest of hot tickets.
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Using it’s amazing processing power, the PS5 will ‘mine’ bitcoins while you sleep and send that cash straight to Sony to pay off your PS5. That’s right – the PS5 won’t cost you a penny, just ca. £9000 a year in peak rate electricity bills instead!

​The PS5 joypad is so complex, humans cannot comprehend it

​The Dualshock 4 is already a masterpiece of design, looking more or less exactly like Dualshocks 1 to 3 but of course costing more and with a ridiculous headlight. But the Dualshock 5 will be something else again!

To control the amazing experiences the PS5 can offer, the new joypad will have a mass of buttons, touch surfaces, analogue sticks and motion sensors – so many, it’s too much for the brain to understand without driving the user insane. Instead, your subconscious will simply perceive it as a puppy – except for some lucky gamers, who’ll immediately die of a cranial aneurysm instead.

​MAX ADRENALINE BUZZ!

​The PS5 will have an AI assistant called Belmont Potters

​Move over, Siri and Alexa! The PS5 is coming with its own awesome AI to help you with everyday tasks, and his name is Belmont Potters. But he’s not just there to help you remember when St. Swithun’s Day is or when to take your insulin – Belmont Potters is the consciousness of a local retired housing ombudsman, digitised without his permission!

He’ll grumpily respond to your queries by saying he doesn’t understand all this new-fangled stuff, where are his arms and legs now, and why don’t you ask him about party wall agreements or something he knows?

​Wowser! The cool kids will love him talking about boundary fencing laws during their Fortnite sessions – welcome to the Sony family, Belmont P!

​The PS5 is so powerful, its games will have to come on ambergris 

​We all know that Sony make the best custom games platforms.

​You know, if you ignore Nintendo’s ingenuity and Microsoft’s raw grunt and stuff. And the PS5 will take that to the next next-gen level by using lumps of ambergris – the wax-like substance secreted in the intestines of sperm whales that they later regurgitate into the sea – as the format for its games.

You might suggest that selecting an expensive, flammable organic deposit usually used as a base for perfumes as a storage media is a dreadful choice with no basis in fact, but then you’re not part of the visionary company that insisted on using the Spider-Man 2 font on the PlayStation 3 even though it looked awful! Discs and digital media are so last year, grandma – bring on the cetacean excretia era!

​As it’s main launch title, the PS5 will feature a genuinely good 3D Sonic game

​Ha! No, just kidding with this one of course. Even with the tumescent power of the super-sexxus PS5 we all know this is NOT POSSIBLE TO ACHIEVE.