ALTO'S ODYSSEY

"Just off to the shops for some...sandwiches! Sand, see? We're in a desert! Ha ha h-I'll get me poncho."

As well as being the name of a band of elderly men who regrettably dress in lewd clothing, 'KISS' is also an acronym for the phrase 'keep it simple, stupid'. Which is ironic, as it'd be a lot simpler to just say that than say 'KISS' and then have to explain it every time you meet someone who hasn't heard of it. Also, they might initially think you want to kiss them, which could lead to all manner of hilarious 1980s BBC sitcom-style situations.

Regardless, the 'simplicity = good' intent is sound enough and certainly true when it comes to mobile phone games. Not overcomplicating things when you don't have physical controls is always a decent idea, as anyone who has tried to play a phone-based FPS will testify to. Most of your screen ends up obscured with virtual buttons, and after even a short burst of virtual joypadding you'll usually need to pause the game to clean off thumb grease to ensure everything stays responsive.

And that's just with your normal skin - don't even THINK about starting a game like that within an hour of eating a packet of crisps. A few seconds of being daubed with your oily digits, and it's the equivalent of playing on a home console where your TV screen has been liberally coated in Mazola.

That's why mobile games that need the minimum of interaction to control are this: the best. And Alto's Odyssey is one of the best of this best of bunch.

"Given the warm weather, I'm honestly starting to think the scarf was a mistake..."

Alto's Odyssey is essentially an endless runner-type game disguised as a snowboarding game, albeit on sand in this case. You have one 'button' (the screen) for the most part that makes you jump. Hold it down when you're in the air and you'll do a backflip. Hold it down against a grindable rock wall and you'll grind up it (which throws the law of gravity out of the window a bit, but in a game where you're constantly sliding downhill forever that's probably the least of our worries). There are simple power ups such as crash recovery items and, later, a wingsuit to allow for extra flips, and different characters to unlock who have differing attributes, but nothing that drastically affects the core gameplay of slidey-downeyness.

So really, that's basically it. But: saying 'that's basically it' is also criminally underselling the game.

The brilliance of Alto is how well it makes these simple mechanics work given the game is generating landscapes on the fly. Like the very best Mario titles, whenever you come a cropper you never feel hard done by - it's always your fault you mistimed your jump and hit a rock or failed to clear a chasm and you always feel like you'll be able to nail it next time. This is in stark contrast to many a mobile game, where iffy controls and/or iffy programming make it feel like you've got as much control as someone playing darts while wearing oven gloves and rollerblades.

There aren't any enemies in the game bar environmental hazards, with the exception of lemurs. Startle a lemur, and for some reason it will pursue you until it either catches you and kills you or it falls down a canyon like the idiot semi-monkey it is. And if you don't think lemurs are that violent, you'd be wrong - once at a safari park we spotted a lemur in the enclosure who had a missing arm. A passing zookeeper heard us talking and told us that the lemur in question had got a bit too cocky once and challenged the chief, and the alpha lemur had literally ripped his arm off and hit him round the head with it, Viz-style.

You didn't see THAT in Madagascar, did you?

"Granted I'm no air traffic controller, but this CAN'T be an optimal use of airspace?"

Murderous primate goading aside, the other element that will keep you coming back again and again are the challenges. These are issued 3 at a time (clear each batch and you go up a level) and can see you having to perform certain stunts, travel a set distance without stacking it, grind a specific bit of scenery and so on. These start simple but by level 20 or so they get fairly tricky. But again, always do-able - they never feel like artificial longevity barriers that have been made absurdly hard purely to impede progress.

Given the game has been out for a couple of months now (on iOS anyway - an Android version is still forthcoming), you might wonder why I'm reviewing it at all. Well the simple answer is, I realised the other day that this is the game I've been playing the most these last few months and so it probably deserved it. And I'm not playing it that much purely because of convenience either (although as it's on my phone that's undeniably a boon - not many people have a PS4 in their lavatory, after all). It's because I really, really enjoy it.

The ever-changing graphics are gorgeous. The music is calm and unintrusive, which is no mean feat given it's a loop of one track. But most of all it's just nice to play - really, really nice. It's fun, there's no massive pressure to do anything, no absurd, needless plot flapping along and no being pestered with microtransactions, adverts, side quests or the like. It's the gaming equivalent of a lovely Sunday evening radio show that plays chill-out music - and not one on a commercial network, where you'll be feeling all zen one minute and then listening to a pair of z-list actors fumble out a cack-handed joke about double glazing the next.

"This is going to hurt, isn't it?"

It's also an evolution of the endless runner in that it allows you to play it for longer if you wish. A lot of the 'classics' of this genre such as Jetpack Joyride are undoubtably fun, but enforce the short burst playstyle by increasing their speed until they're unplayable by all but the most heavily caffeinated of obsessive Korean gaming-addicted children. But here there's no difficulty ramp-up or need to have the twitch responses of a nervy bluebottle. You just keep going until you mess up, or you've just had enough.

Chances are you won't have enough of it for a very long time though, because it's great. And if you like great games that are fun to play and an absolute bargain, well then it's a no-brainer.

Some people might baulk at the fact that it's a mobile game you have to pay for, of course. But then it's worth bearing in mind that those people are also complete morons. You don't expect quality and no adverts and no microtransactions for nowt, unless you're an unreasonable, grasping bumface.

Please, sir or madam: don't be a bumface. No one likes a bumface.

WIPEOUT OMEGA COLLECTION VR

This review originally appeared on Digitiser2000.com

"I can't believe we've got anti-grav cars on floating racetracks but NO cupholders!"

'WipEout' may have been around in some form or other since the beginning of time (22 years), but that misplaced capital E still annoys the bejesus out of me. It just makes it read like it’s saying wip-E-out, and I for one am not ‘whipping’ my ‘E’ out for anyone. Especially not in VR, when I can’t see what’s going on around me and could be accosted while unawares by a passing deviant.

Also: what is that singular ‘E’ even supposed to represent? It could well be ‘egg’, and whipping an egg out would require a level of biological dexterity I’m not sure I’m capable of. At least not without major interspecies transplant surgery and a significant amount of strong hormone tablets. So yes: please fix this, Sony.

Typographical oddness aside, Wipeout Omega is neither a new release, nor is it even new stuff – it came out in June 2017, and is a cut-and-shut of Wipeout 2048 (a launch title for the much-neglected PS Vita) and 2009’s Wipeout HD/Fury for the PS3. So why are we looking at this dusty pile of well old antiques, guv?

"Danger? Danger, you say? I'm in a hover car on a track with no crash barriers hundreds of metres up in the air and I'm being shot at. Thanks a lot, no-shit-sherlock-o-tron!"

Well the clue is the aforementioned VR. Thanks to a free update, you can now play the game via the PSVR headset for an ‘in cockpit’ view. And this is no token gesture bonus VR level: this is absolutely everything from all 3 games in the collection in full, now re-tuned for immers-o-vision, for absolutely zero pence.

Given you can blag the base game for under £15 new, and many PSVR games are upwards of 30 quid for experiences so short that you miss 10% of the content while blinking, this is ridiculously great. Frankly, it’s the sort of bargain that’s usually associated with buying something that still has security tags on it off of a dodgy bloke out of the back of a dented transit in a pub car park at midnight.

But a bargain is only truly a bargain if it’s something worth having – I’m sure you can get season tickets for the local sewage works remarkably cheaply, but watching people literally polishing turds every weekend is hardly a substitute for a Disneyland annual pass even if it does cost less.

Thankfully, there is no excrement buffing here: Wipeout in VR is simply fabulous.

"I know it looks lovely and fast, but I tell you what - the boot space is murder. 7 round trips to space Tesco for a weekly shop."

I have no idea what digital witchcraft has been deployed, but the sharpness of the graphics, level of detail and smooth movement seem a cut above most PSVR games I’ve played. And that’s on a regular PS4 rather than a Pro. It looks as cool as the original Wipeout probably did to our crusty 16-bit eyes all those years ago.

Most astonishing of all, in a game that can make you feel a bit wonky playing normally because of its undulating tracks, vertical drops and loops, I experienced almost no VR sicky feelings. The only time I did feel slightly rough was after trying a max speed ship on a complex track, but even that was still far less than I’ve had in other VR games and could well have been down to my erratic driving.

To be fair, the game even pops up a motion sickness warning before you start on any particularly bonkers circuit that looks like it’s based on a pile of tagliatelle you’ve fished out of a bin, so you can’t say you’re not aware of what’s coming.

This isn’t all lovely visuals but no substance either, as the game is just as playable in first-person view as the traditional behind-the-ship stance. It is harder on later stages though: it’s way easier to get disoriented in VR because of your whole world going slantways if you’re hit by opponents or you drive into the walls.

Equally, it’s a little trickier to spot shortcuts and line up on powerups because of the low-slung stance. But in turn, having your eyes scraping along at barely more than ground level gives you a greater sensation of speed as well. And as an added bonus, in VR view you get to stare at your digital knees, should you wish to.

"Designer of new M6 toll road section comes under fire for being 'clearly very drunk indeed'."

Other than that slight bump in the difficulty curve though, there’s almost nothing here not to like. Weaving through the pack, guns blazing and turbo…er…turboing is a massive buzz. It feels like you’re getting a go on a go-kart track someone built on the set of Blade Runner, and then they threw in laser tag for good measure.

Like the original Wipeout was for the PlayStation, this is nothing short of a system seller for PSVR. Yes, it really is THAT good – and I’m sure the timing of its release to coincide with a permanent price drop for the hardware is absolutely no coincidence.

An essential for PSVR owners, a massive digital carrot dangling for those still undecided, and all for free. Good work, Sony. Now sort that E out.

BURNOUT PARADISE REMASTERED

This review originally appeared on Digitiser2000.com

"Hello, is that the AA? Yes, I may be having a bit of a problem in about 0.2 seconds."

When I was a kid, I had a friend who really, really loved Guns ‘n’ Roses. So much so, after he went to see them live he almost exclusively wore a vile tour t-shirt he bought. It featured a terrible drawing of a half-nude, partially dismembered zombie lady with enormous boobs who’d been tied to a pole for some reason.

It was, as the description hopefully imparts, utterly repellent. Yet, he wore it everywhere – even once to a wedding reception. In fact, it would only have been marginally more offensive if it had been a cartoon of Hitler kicking Gandhi in the teeth while simultaneously wiping his bum on the Turin shroud.

However, it also happened to have a verse of the song ‘Paradise City’ on it (the t-shirt, not the Turin shroud). This turned out to be a godsend, as my friends and I finally got this guy to stop wearing it by repeatedly singing stuff like “’Take me down to Welwyn Garden City’, ‘I haven’t got a car’ ‘Oh that’s a pity!’” at him.

Despite them being rubbishly innocuous jibes, we soon discovered our dissing his favourite band made him inexplicably furious. Of course, as we were teenagers and thus terrible human beings we all found this hilarious, so we kept it up until he eventually crumbled and wore something less grim to stop the mockery.

The moral of that story though? Never take yourself too seriously when you’re not doing (or wearing) something remotely serious in the first place. And that, ladies and/or gents, is kinda why Burnout Paradise: Remastered is long overdue and so very much appreciated.

"What do you mean, 'This does take diesel, doesn't it?' - have...have you? Oh fffff..."

Driving games, see, have for reasons unknown been divided into 2 categories with almost no deviation from type for what feels like the best part of a decade - which would be about right, given BP:Roriginally came out 10 years ago.

On the one hand, you have your sim-heavy efforts. You know the sort: games where you have 9 billion real-world car variants recreated in such detail it took 20 programmers over 6 months to create the 3D key fob models. Yes, you can probably tweak everything upwards of the wattage of the bulb that illuminates the glove compartment to your liking, but these games are as follows: boring.

On the other hand, you have your ‘Fast & Furious’ knock-offs. Stupid, brash games with some mindless plot (usually about an undercover cop, or a heist, or an undercover cop reluctantly pulling off a heist) and lots of missions, tasks and plot-regurgitating cutscenes. These games are also this: boring.

Both categories have something in common though: their clinical and cynical po-facedness. It’s all about the most cars rendered most accurately, or the most races, or the most perfectly recreated city street.

"For the last time, we are being CHASED by the POLICE. It is NOT a 'sports ice-cream van' and they will NOT give you a choc-ice!"

At some point, developers seem to have forgotten gaming is best when it’s sheer escapism, and further when it doesn’t try and force you to empathise and bond with a bunch of tedious ‘cool’ characters who have all the depth of a sheet of A4.

Where’s the fun? Where’s the messing about mid-race with your mates just for the heck of it? Where’s the speed that makes your eyes water? Where’s blowing up a lorry with a flaming wreck, then being back underway in a race seconds later? I’ll tell you where it is: in this game, thank criminy.

Turns out Burnout Paradise wasn’t just ahead of its time with its fusion of old-school arcade action and an open world. It was effectively the end of time, as it’s still one of the best interpretations of how to do it. All the good stuff, none of the faff. And this version is the best interpretation of that interpretation, so to speak.

The main game is here of course, with polished-up graphics (not a full rework like Shadow of the Colossus, but still perfectly adequate given the speed you’ll be looking at them shift) and all the DLC – and that’s a lot. And, of course, online play, offline play and an absolute ton of stuff to do, find and set records for.

Yes, it’s simple: drive fast, take your opponents out, and win. But the driving action Criterion made their name with is still absolutely spot on, and at the top levels the sensation of speed is phenomenal. Most of all, it’s pure, absolute fun.

Sure, all the cars may be made up. But for the 99.999% of us who mercifully aren’t hungerpunching manbaby J. Clarkson, this makes no difference whatsoever. I couldn’t tell you with any confidence whether the handling or interior of a Ferrari XP-9Fx track edition was realistic in a game or not, because I’m never, ever going to drive one. For all I know it could be the inside of a bus.

Similarly, and just as pointlessly, why insist on bolting a crappy story onto a driving game?

"Is this a good time to mention I only have my provisional moped licence?"

In a mindless popcorn film it might work as a loose device to hold together stunt sequences, but a driving game should be first and foremost about driving – I couldn’t care less whether ‘Mendoza’ has ‘disrespected your crew’ so revenge now needs to be taken via a series of ever-more lurid street races. If you’re so fussed about bloody Mendoza, you’ve got a car. Run his cat over or something.

I only have 2 reservations, really: a brand new, proper Burnout game would of course be even better, and it’s not the holy grail that would be a full beans ground-up remake of the greatest driving game of all time (obviously that’s Burnout 3: Takedown – and no, that’s not up for debate).

But: the fact a 10-year-old game feels like a breath of fresh air shows that the driving game genre is in desperate need of a kick up the trunk (or, as we call it in the UK of course, the ‘car anus’).

It may have been up on bricks in a shed since 2008, but with barely more than a new paint job Burnout Paradise roars back past the current bunch of limp pretenders to the racing throne.

Horrrsseepowerrrrrrr!!! (That’s what Clarkson says when he’s aroused by Hammond or May, right?)

SKYRIM VR

This review originally appeared on Digitiser2000.com

"Hello! Can I Interest you in a thermal shield? Lovely and warm on a cold day like today."

If you were looking for somewhere to go for tea and saw a restaurant review that said ‘Fabulous food, but we guarantee you will turn your buttocks inside out with the runs tomorrow’, then chances are – unless you’re astonishingly constipated and see this as a boon – you’d give it a miss and go elsewhere.

This guaranteed bum cloud to VR’s silver lining is its biggest problem: you know it’s an experience that more often than not is going to make you feel mildly queasy at the very least.

In fact, Mrs SBA was chatting to a friend the other day whose husband used to work as a games tester, and he mentioned when his team were bugfixing VR games – for whole days at a time – they all had sick buckets installed next to them in the office. And worse still, they all had to make use of them.

Say what you like about the glamour of stacking shelves in Lidl compared to playing videogames as a job, but at least needing a spittoon to periodically regurgitate into isn’t part of the deal with the former.

"Oh no! We've all worn the same outfit!"

This this DIY vomit comet effect is why I’d held off on buying Skyrim VR for ages because it tends to be games such as this, where you have full and free movement, that are the worst for bringing on ‘the pukes’. After all, why buy a game you can barely play before chucking up?

But as it’s currently on sale, my curiosity and eye for a bargain won out over my desire to not fleck my lounge carpet with stomach acid. So with scant regard to my oesophageal safety, I donned my absurd electric hat to bring you this review.

First off, yes: I was sick, but only a bit. Although that’s damning with faint praise really, as any level of being sick is still unpleasant – it’s about as preferable as being gently stabbed rather than run through.

To be fair the queasiness did improve over time, but if you find you’re particularly prone to the VR heaves I’d weigh up whether the perseverance is worth it: this may just not be the game for you.

"Look at the state of this breadknife. Have you been using it to spread ketchup on your sandwiches again?"

​What’s it like though when you’re not retching? Well, I’m not going to go into too much detail about Skyrim itself: that’s the same game it’s been since 2011, huge map and weird graphical glitches and all. This is more about whether VR brings ‘milkshake’ to Skyrim’s ‘yard’, or just a load of rancid curds in a slop bucket.

To that end, it’s certainly immersive. Walking through forests, villages and dungeons and having them all around you is amazing, and this is still VRs big, undeniable wow factor. You just don’t get the same sense of ‘being there’ wonder from a regular game, no matter how detailed or pretty it is.

Combat is also the same and yet much more; swinging your move controllers about to use your swords is hilarious (though of course, makes you look like a total clod in the real world). Using magic is the best though – whack out a few fire spells and you’re essentially doing virtual ‘Hadouken!’s all over the place.

The game in VR also has a very different feel. A skeleton with a spear popping out from behind a dungeon wall in regular Skyrim is a bit ‘Oh!’ if you weren’t expecting it. In VR, that ‘Oh!’ becomes a ‘Fffffuuu-waaah?!?!?’, followed by much panicked flailing. It essentially turns the world, and how you react to it, up to 11.

There are issues though, and quite a few of ‘em. Even though it’s an older game it’s still bloody ambitious for VR, and as it wasn’t built for it originally the transition has had some hiccups.

"Thanks for offering to cut my nails, Keith."

​For example, menus – of which Skyrim has about a trillion – can be clunky to navigate with your two bulbous wand controllers. Waving your arms about like a demented conductor just to try and select an option gets annoying quite rapidly. Especially if, as I did, you accidentally boop the cat on the nose while doing so and he then claws your hand. Actual wounding is too much realism, thanks.

Movement can also be a bit imprecise. Granted, you do get a choice – a sort of ‘click and hop’ approach where you move to a set waypoint, or a more free-moving option where your character ambles off in whatever direction you waft your controllers – but neither have the crispness of using a joypad. Consequently, finding yourself smacking into walls or stuck in doors is common.

As a result, you’ll more often than not be unable to enjoy the immersion as you’ll be blundering about with all the grace of a one-legged kangaroo who’s just eaten a bottle of hand sanitiser. This is especially true in combat, and fairly quickly that fun sword swinging will be ditched entirely in preference for much more effective (i.e. you can actually hit something) ranged attacks.

The visuals suffer too. The game works best in darker, enclosed locations simply because the PSVR doesn’t have the juice to render the world in high-res.

Inside is more or less fine. Outside, things at a distance can be blurry and opaque enough that it feels more akin to some sort of medical student training device to show them what it’s like to be a person living with cataracts.

"OK, Mr Walnuts. Sit. Sit. Sit! Good Boy!"

​I hate to use the term, but even though Skyrim VR is the full, unabridged game (and that deserves credit – no watered-down VR lite version here) it’s not best enjoyed as a game: it’s an ‘experience’. I’m a good few hours in but I can’t see myself finishing it as, even setting nausea aside, it’s just too cack-handed.

That makes it a bit of a waste, because you almost certainly won’t see anywhere near everything the game has to offer – and if playing Skyrim is what you want to do first and foremost, there are much cheaper and/or less bilious ways of doing it. Not least of which being the recent Switch port, which graphically runs rings round this version and has its own ‘immersion’ factor in its motion controls.

Plus of course you can play Switch Skyrim on the loo, whereas this version will have your head down the loo instead.

If you want to show off your PSVR and have a few spare coins knocking around, and can live with ALL the shortcomings, then sure – give it a go. There is fun to be had here, and doing stuff like having a tavern brawl in first person never gets old. Just be warned that actually getting to that virtual pub might make you vomit a lot more than a whole night spent on the gin in a real pub would.