This article originally appeared on Digitiser2000.com
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| Of course, in real life the giant arrows pointing at criminals are only visible to the police. |
Back in the 1980s, life was simpler. Instead of all the rules and regulations cops have to ignore these days before tasering someone in the forehead, they could just cause mayhem and chaos on the roads and streets of the US of America while apprehending people who merely look like a wrong-un. All regardless of whether they had much in the way of evidence and all that. So, er, actually much the same as now, but let’s pretend it wasn’t for the purposes of this article, yeah?
Anyway, many people don’t realise it – mainly because it’s a complete fabrication – but the game Chase H.Q. is actually a digitised documentary of a day in the life of two such typical 80s ‘plod’. But what about the so-called villains they apprehended? Let’s take a look and see what REALLY happened when the cameras (arcade machines) were switched off (broke down after being repeatedly kicked by dank teens lurking in run-down seaside arcades).
Case 1: Ralph, the Idaho Slasher
First off, this clearly isn’t ‘Ralph’. Assuming the Idaho Slasher is a murderer rather than someone just known for their prolific urination, it’s pretty obvious that a serial killer wouldn’t own a flashy sports car – let alone an imported British one – as all their money would be spent on knives and knife sharpening equipment such as whetstones, leaving them barely enough to run a Honda Civic.
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| They'd probably have caught him even sooner if their car didn't have clearly oval wheels. |
Plus look at this man’s face: what’s that strange white line down the side, and why is he so oddly open mouthed, like someone warming up to attempt to eat a large swiss roll in one go? And those odd, orange overalls? This is trendy 1980s America, with its shoulder pads and espadrilles, after all. No, there’s something up here.
VERDICT: A passing bin man framed by having an Easter Island statue mask glued to his face to make him look a bit like the killer in Halloween.
Case 2: Carlos, the New York armed robber
Now this is more like it. New York is quite big, and absolutely heaving with baddies (just take a look at any of the villain-sodden New York-based Spider-Man films such as Spider-Man,Spider-Man 2, Spider-Man 3, Another Spider-Man 2and Spider-Man: A Further Spider-Man only now Robert Iron Man Jr. as well). So to become notorious enough to be ‘the’ New York armed robber, Carlos must be hot stuff in the crime world. Or is he?
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| "Sir, you're accused of serious crimes - this is no time for a rendition of the YMCA!" |
Take a look at this archive photo of Carlos’s arrest. For starters, now it seems he’s down for armed robbery AND murder, so the charges have been trumped up – probably to make him sweat and want to ‘flip’. We can also clearly see that he’s missing a finger on his left hand, and is wearing a terrible brown wig so is 100% definitely bald.
This makes me believe this is in fact none other than popular and now quite dead actor Telly Savalas, and these cops have abused their position to stop a famous person simply to get him to sign autographs and record voicemail messages for them to use on their mobiles in 20 years’ time. No doubt they got him to recite his famous catchphrase “Who loves your babies? Kojak. Kojak is the one who loves your babies!”.
VERDICT: Police corrupted by the glitz and glamour of Hollywood.
Case 3: A ‘gang’ of Chicago pushers
Now this is just getting silly. Since when has 2 people been a gang? They’re either the most pathetic gang since the Get Along Gang (because ‘getting along’ and not being openly hostile to your fellow club members is hardly the highest of bars to set yourself, let alone make the entire raison d’etre of your group), or this is yet another stitch-up by the boys in blue. Well, one of them is in blue at least.
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| "Never mind - at least we still have our gang membership cards!" "Oh shut up." |
What’s most disturbing here is that the right hand of the cop performing the search has punched straight through the trousers of the poor man in the green coat, and seems to have disappeared inside his anus. That shows a high level of panic and desperation in our suspicious sheriff.
VERDICT: Police officer is aware he will be shortly discharged from the force due to corruption, so is hastily self-retraining as a bovine veterinarian and getting some practice in on unwitting members of the public.
Case 4: The L.A. Kidnapper
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| It's the guy in the grey suit I feel sorry for. He clearly doesn't know where to look! |
VERDICT: Scene too harrowing to comment.
Case 5: The Eastern Bloc Spy from Washington
Ah, the cold war – nothing like the fear of retaliatory nuclear attack resulting from a botched diplomatic incident to focus the minds of law enforcement. Or at least that’s what you’d hope, but no: our boys are off again, smashing cars off of the highway left and right in pursuit of justice.
So what does our secret agent from behind the iron curtain look like? A thin, shrew-like nasty such as V. Putin, or a blonde Natasha-style femme fatale?
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| In actual fact, he was really arrested for the heinous crime of going 'double denim'. |
No, apparently we’re supposed to believe that no one thought someone blacked up and doing a terrible Bruce Springsteen impersonation (perhaps he sang Al Jolson songs in the style of ‘The Boss’?) was suspicious, and further that such a person could carry out espionage operations unhindered.
This is obviously yet another set-up job to cover for the fact the real spy must have got away, but we can at least cut our police friends some slack for putting an end to what we can only assume was an inexplicably racist and very confusing cover band.