This article originally appeared on Digitiser2000.com
Like some sort of technological Dignitas, Sony have announced that the PS4 is officially in the end part of its life cycle. It’s arguable that belching out such a diktat while your competitors respectively have a more powerful console and a more innovative console for sale, and you’ve not even got anything announced yet, is a real stupid move that will give potential customers ‘the wet willies’. But then who are we to argue with the genius creators of the MiniDisc?
However, to get you ‘pumped’ for the newest arrival in the format wars we can bring you these exclusive facts about the all-new PS5 thanks to our special spies embedded at Sony HQ (and by special we mean they only exist in our minds – we don’t even know where Sony HQ is! Probably Uttoxeter?)
Each one is literally more true and fabby than the last, and here they come!
The new PS5 will be shaped like a panjandrum
Sony are known for their ker-ayzee console designs, like making the PS2 look like a malformed domino and the PS3 like a miniature of your nan’s coffin. But the PS5 will be their maddest yet, as they’re making it in the shape of a dangerously unreliable rocket-powered explosive cart from World War 2! Take that, Microsoft, and your big boring slab of a device. USA! USA! USA!
The PS5 will keep you ‘in the game’ by force feeding you sugar beets
That’s right – no more need for expensive energy drinks or breaks for sleep to keep you sharp while gaming. The PS5 will be plumbed into a new nationwide Sony-owned network of pipes delivering sweet, unctuous beet slurry directly into your homes for a reasonable fee, and then straight into your bloodstream via an uncomfortable cannula. Where will the cannula be placed? On your frenulum!
The PS5 will come with its own charlatan
Do you think VR is the most immersion you can get? Or the Nintendo Labo? Well wait to be blown away by the PS5, as it’s coming with a real-life confidence trickster who will squat lewdly in the corner of your lounge, and then during games where you have to deal with shady types he’ll unfurl and attempt to embezzle your pension while you play. For real!
The PS5 will pay for itself by ‘mining’ bitcoins
Bitcoin, the cryptocurrency no one understands that’s probably worthless or a total scam, is really trendy right now. So of course, the company that bought you the sexy, sexy Sport Walkman (the same, but yellow!) is all over this hottest of hot tickets.
Using it’s amazing processing power, the PS5 will ‘mine’ bitcoins while you sleep and send that cash straight to Sony to pay off your PS5. That’s right – the PS5 won’t cost you a penny, just ca. £9000 a year in peak rate electricity bills instead!
The PS5 joypad is so complex, humans cannot comprehend it
The Dualshock 4 is already a masterpiece of design, looking more or less exactly like Dualshocks 1 to 3 but of course costing more and with a ridiculous headlight. But the Dualshock 5 will be something else again!
To control the amazing experiences the PS5 can offer, the new joypad will have a mass of buttons, touch surfaces, analogue sticks and motion sensors – so many, it’s too much for the brain to understand without driving the user insane. Instead, your subconscious will simply perceive it as a puppy – except for some lucky gamers, who’ll immediately die of a cranial aneurysm instead.
MAX ADRENALINE BUZZ!
The PS5 will have an AI assistant called Belmont Potters
Move over, Siri and Alexa! The PS5 is coming with its own awesome AI to help you with everyday tasks, and his name is Belmont Potters. But he’s not just there to help you remember when St. Swithun’s Day is or when to take your insulin – Belmont Potters is the consciousness of a local retired housing ombudsman, digitised without his permission!
He’ll grumpily respond to your queries by saying he doesn’t understand all this new-fangled stuff, where are his arms and legs now, and why don’t you ask him about party wall agreements or something he knows?
Wowser! The cool kids will love him talking about boundary fencing laws during their Fortnite sessions – welcome to the Sony family, Belmont P!
The PS5 is so powerful, its games will have to come on ambergris
We all know that Sony make the best custom games platforms.
You know, if you ignore Nintendo’s ingenuity and Microsoft’s raw grunt and stuff. And the PS5 will take that to the next next-gen level by using lumps of ambergris – the wax-like substance secreted in the intestines of sperm whales that they later regurgitate into the sea – as the format for its games.
You might suggest that selecting an expensive, flammable organic deposit usually used as a base for perfumes as a storage media is a dreadful choice with no basis in fact, but then you’re not part of the visionary company that insisted on using the Spider-Man 2 font on the PlayStation 3 even though it looked awful! Discs and digital media are so last year, grandma – bring on the cetacean excretia era!
As it’s main launch title, the PS5 will feature a genuinely good 3D Sonic game
Ha! No, just kidding with this one of course. Even with the tumescent power of the super-sexxus PS5 we all know this is NOT POSSIBLE TO ACHIEVE.
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